my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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