We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
