drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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