My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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