I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
