it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
