fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
