Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
