Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
