Will you blow on my dice?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
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Farmville is her only friend.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
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I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize