im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
