Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
