Small penises have feelings too.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
