i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
