i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
