she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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