A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
