smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
