Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
