dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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