There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
