I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
