dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
