Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
