I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wish you could order shots online.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
