Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
