i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
