my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The air was thick with penises
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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