I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
