I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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