sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
