Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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