There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"