We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
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When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
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i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.