"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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