$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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