my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
