I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
