I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
