He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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