I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
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Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?