Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy