Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
