I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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