I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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