If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
