I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
