I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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