drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"