remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences