a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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