my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
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Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
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You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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