It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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