You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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