I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
