bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
