shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
