youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Randomize
